weekend drama

there's a certain something that has always spoken to me whenever i faced a problem or a big decision in my life. it is steve job's commencement address to the standford graduating class of 2005, and although it might seem like a peculiar form of comfort to some of you, it is something that has seen me through a lot of mess in the last three years.

you can read the full speech here.

so why am i reading this speech now, seeking internal peace on a saturday afternoon when the whole city of chicago is out celebrating st. patrick's day, drinking green beer?

i find myself confused and unhappy about a couple big things in my life right now: my relationship with my boyfriend, and my future living situation.

for the past few weeks, things haven't been all rainbows and unicorns with ollie. a strong believer in the whole "fake it til you make it" philosophy, i have woken up each day for the past three weeks and put my happy face on. ignoring something deep inside me that said, "this isn't how it's supposed to be", i told myself over and over again that my unhappiness was no more than a byproduct of my insecurities. my boyfriend confirmed these thoughts.

but i'm so tired of fighting...with myself and with ollie. because the fighting changes nothing. and heeding steve's good advice, i have decided to stop "faking it" and start looking in the mirror each morning and asking myself, "if today were the last day of my life, would i want to do what i am about to do today?". don't get me wrong...my daily routine is great. i love my job. i love my friends. but i hate giving myself to someone who just sort of thinks i'm cute and fun sometimes. because i deserve better than that.

my second source of crazy comes in the form of a big apple. my job is moving me to New York. and although i adore new york city what with it's bagels and shopping and broadway shows, it kills me to leave my friends who have really become my family over the past 8 years. then again, i've always been a huge fan of adventure. and starting fresh in a new city seems especially tempting now.

so. apologies for the big weekend vent. it's just that i have thousands of dollars worth of clothing and shoes at ollie's and i'd really like to have it all back. along with my self esteem.