weekend drama

there's a certain something that has always spoken to me whenever i faced a problem or a big decision in my life. it is steve job's commencement address to the standford graduating class of 2005, and although it might seem like a peculiar form of comfort to some of you, it is something that has seen me through a lot of mess in the last three years.

you can read the full speech here.

so why am i reading this speech now, seeking internal peace on a saturday afternoon when the whole city of chicago is out celebrating st. patrick's day, drinking green beer?

i find myself confused and unhappy about a couple big things in my life right now: my relationship with my boyfriend, and my future living situation.

for the past few weeks, things haven't been all rainbows and unicorns with ollie. a strong believer in the whole "fake it til you make it" philosophy, i have woken up each day for the past three weeks and put my happy face on. ignoring something deep inside me that said, "this isn't how it's supposed to be", i told myself over and over again that my unhappiness was no more than a byproduct of my insecurities. my boyfriend confirmed these thoughts.

but i'm so tired of fighting...with myself and with ollie. because the fighting changes nothing. and heeding steve's good advice, i have decided to stop "faking it" and start looking in the mirror each morning and asking myself, "if today were the last day of my life, would i want to do what i am about to do today?". don't get me wrong...my daily routine is great. i love my job. i love my friends. but i hate giving myself to someone who just sort of thinks i'm cute and fun sometimes. because i deserve better than that.

my second source of crazy comes in the form of a big apple. my job is moving me to New York. and although i adore new york city what with it's bagels and shopping and broadway shows, it kills me to leave my friends who have really become my family over the past 8 years. then again, i've always been a huge fan of adventure. and starting fresh in a new city seems especially tempting now.

so. apologies for the big weekend vent. it's just that i have thousands of dollars worth of clothing and shoes at ollie's and i'd really like to have it all back. along with my self esteem.

1 comment:

Amy Maloof said...

1) if i liked chicks, i'd want to date you above all others.

2) if you move to new york you can become best friends with matt, your fellow bridesmaid. he is amazing and you can run around doing lots of things together and i will be jealous.

3) you = deserve only awesome.

4) if you don't move to nyc will you move here?

5) britney's new album is the best workout music i've ever moved to.